A Letter of Emotion...I Have not Forsaken You!

Dear Readers, 

Have you ever been so full of emotion that you don't know what to do with yourself? 
Have you felt excitement, and fear, and love for those around you all at once?
And have these emotions been so strong that you simply have to accept the strange but beautiful combination of feelings?
This is what I have been going through for the past few months, and despite my efforts, I haven't been able to sit down and pin point my feelings about anything. Recently, I'm easily swayed and stirred, and in a matter of seconds, I often go from being absolutely furious, to so in love and so happy that I find myself laughing...and then later, I laugh at my own stupidity.
Am I bipolar? Honestly, it feels like it sometimes. 

I don't know how to explain what I've been going through other than saying that I've been stuffed and unable to vent. I'm filled to the brim with feelings that are so deep and so real, that no amount of poetry, or song writing, singing, dancing, or long conversations at Starbucks can do them justice. 
So I've kept them to myself. 
The truth be told, these feelings are mostly wonderful and most nights I fall asleep in awe of how blessed I am. Even still, there's a part of me that is full, and wants these feelings expressed. 
I've been trying to do so. 
I've stared at blank documents and notebooks for weeks trying to empty my mind, but nothing ever resulted. I have realized that this is because I'm always striving for perfection; the perfect post. The perfect poem. 
The reality is, I'll never find that perfect piece because I'm not perfect, and neither are my feelings. Trying to force my heart into an alliteration or a limerick won't work because emotions were never meant to be structured. I guess freedom is one of the beauties of the heart. 

So here it is, my first blog post since the spring. Flawed, full of errors, and barely edited at all, but I could care less because even though it might be sloppy, it's a chip off of my heart. 
I guess the point I'm trying to prove to myself in all of this is that it doesn't matter how flawed something is-whether it's an assignment, or a performance, character traits or a shitty blog post that you wish was something amazing-what matters in the end is that you got your message across. 
I'm hoping that I did, and if not, here it is: perfection is an illusion.

For now, I'll sit at my kitchen table, looking out the patio door at the fall colours, sipping my Red Rose, and feeling a little bit lighter because I've "vented"...and also because I have finally published something on this nearly forsaken blog. 
Knowing myself, in about three hours or so, I'll reread over this post-which is the fastest piece I have ever written and published-laughing at myself because I really need to pull it together. 

Thank you for reading my ten minutes of "blah,"

-Laurel Farrell

Trust...Another Point

To believe someone no mater what.
To rely on them.
To place hope in them.
To follow them.
To believe their opinions.
To let them take care of you. 

     All of these are ways that we demonstrate and manifest our trust. Trust is a complex concept that seems so simple. Trusting someone means that we shouldn't have to worry, that our backs are covered and our burdens are relieved. It seems like everyone should have a person to trust, but it isn't always that simple. More often than not, trust is taken for granted and in the end, it is shattered, leaving us broken. 

The reality of trust has resulted in me torturing myself with two questions.
The first is "Who do I trust?" 
My answer, as I know it is for most of us, bases itself in others: family, friends, mentors. 
For some of us, we place our trust in our jobs or our schooling, our knowledge or our money. Sometimes we're so afraid of getting hurt by the world that we place our trust in ourselves to avoid its destruction.
Our trust can't be broken of we're the only ones that possess it, we think. 
This may seem true, but when we keep our trust to ourselves for long periods of time without letting anyone in, we end up believing that no one will ever deserve our trust, and as a result, our lives are lonely.
Why does it have to be so difficult? 

The second question I ponder is: Who should I trust? 
As Christians we all 'know' the answer. Some of us have heard it every Sunday from the time we were toddlers in the nursery. Some of us have heard it at camps, from our parents or even read it for ourselves in scriptures. Yes, God's word is pure and He is a shield to those who trust Him, but simply knowing this isn't enough...we need to believe it, and we need to act on it. 


Reading a recipe doesn't bake you chocolate chip cookies. You have to pull out the ingredients and follow the recipe in order to get the promised results. It's no different with God. 
We, as Christians, are professionals at knowing. We can read the Bible and quote scripture, we can go to church every Sunday and we can win countless quiz nights, but when it comes down to it, are we really acting on the recipe? Do we really advance the Kingdom of God? Do we really trust Him? We all know we should, just like we know we should mix dry ingredients and wet ones separately, but whether or not we put our knowledge into action is a different story. 

The Bible promises us that God will always look after us, and that we can place our trust in him no matter what, but reading that over and over again won't draw us closer to Him. We need to take action. We need to step off the edges of our cliffs in leaps of faith, and pursue relationship with God to see what incredible things he has in store for us. 
It's terrifying and difficult, but we need to fight through the struggle of trusting God because unlike worldly things, He will never fail us. He's got our backs. He will relieve us of our burdens and look after us for eternity if we ask him to. 
All we need to do is act on that recipe. 

Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses, but we put our trust in the name of the Lord.

~Psalm 20:7 

Winterberries

To my fellow pessimists…

In winter, our world becomes cold and is ultimately void of life.
Green grasses succumb to soft white blankets and robins leave the trees to themselves in pursue of gentler temperatures. There isn't much to do other than stay inside, enveloped in warm blankets, sipping tea, and longing for better days.
In nature's dormancy it seems that the planet has been robbed of all its beauty, and the lack of loveliness puts us in a state of depression; a chilled, tired, tea drenched, sweater wearing depression.
Sunlight has all but abandoned and left us to winter's icy grasp, and as a result, we feel betrayed.
Snow Shovelling.
Slipping.
Salting.
Winter's a demon…cold, heartless and abusive.

However, in the midst of this torture where grey skies reign victoriously at negative ten degrees, there is a remedy that can cure all despondence. It's small and can be hard to find, but whether in the hearts of forests or out in open fields, once discovered it is a precious beacon of hope to those in need.
The ruby glow of winterberries cast against crisp white is a sign that is often overlooked, but is strong in symbolism nonetheless:
Life in the midst of death.
Beauty in the midst of misfortune.
Simplicity in the midst of perplexity.

These modest little berries send us messages, but it's sad to think that we usually only see them in our greatest times of desperation. 
Think about it. If these fragile little berries can survive harsh winters, then maybe they're a sign to us that not only can we survive the winter season, but that we can make it through the blizzards in our lives as well. 

We need to search for the positives in every challenging situation because when discovered, they can bring us great healing. Whether they are happy memories, or certain people that impact our everyday lives. As inconspicuous as winterberries, these moments and memories, whether buried deep inside us or hidden in plain sight, give us something to believe in. They provide us with hope and reassurance that there is peace in the eye of the storm and a light at the end of each tunnel. 
Memories give us something to hold onto so that when we are forced to go through struggle and pain, we have moments of the past to treasure. If we go through life in pursue of these treasures we may find that when tragedy strikes we are stronger. 

If we keep our eyes open, our minds clear and our heart aware, we might just discover our winterberries in the places that we least expect them. 

A Poem Packed With Thoughts

When I wake up at morning, 

And I hear the robin's song, 

I can feel the cool spring breeze, 

Blowing steadily along. 

When I look out my window, 

And I see the new sunrise, 

The scene is picture perfect, 

Pinks and purples splash the skies. 

When I step onto the lawn, 

And my toes are soaked with dew, 

I can see the plants rejoice,

In every thing that they do. 

They tilt back their petalled heads, 

Smiling brightly at the sun, 

They're basking in the warm rays,

Cause a new day has begun. 

Every place I cast my eyes, 

I see brand new signs of life, 

No anger or frustration, 

And no agonizing strife. 

Just signs of new beginnings, 

They are present each new day, 

We just need to learn to look, 

In a different kind of way. 

To power off our iPods, 

Sounds crazy to you and me, 

But taking just a minute, 

Could help us to better see. 

To see beauty in the world, 

The way that God intended, 

Without alerts from Facebook, 

About people we've just friended. 

We'd see the world around us, 

Showing off its great beauty, 

Earth praising its creator 

For His splendid majesty.

And one thing we would notice, 

Is that everything that lives, 

Makes mistakes throughout each day, 

And with each day God forgives. 

If God gives life new chances, 

With every brand new day, 

I think we have the same chance, 

To make everything ok. 

To apologize for wrongs, 

And pull ourselves together, 

Cause there's no point in sulking, 

If we can live life better. 

We ask God for forgiveness, 

and we're guaranteed reply, 

When He died for you and me, 

He wiped our sinners stains dry.

When I go to bed at night, 

And I think of what I've done, 

I'm glad I can remember, 

God sent us His only son. 

Knowing He sees me perfect, 

Takes away all my sorrow, 

I know that He forgives me, 

And I look forward to tomorrow. 

When I wake up at morning, 

I know everything I see, 

Will have a different meaning, 

Especially to me. 

I'll see life's own true beauty

Remember His forgiveness, 

Celebrate every new day,

And know life has a purpose.